From Kalamazoo to Timbuktu...

From Kalamazoo to Timbuktu...
or...how growing up is harder than I thought it would be...

This was not how my life was supposed to go.
I was the one in college secretly pining for the house with white picket fence, 2.5 kids and a dog while galavanting around from party partner to party partner. I was the one that ultimately had no problem subsuming my pie-in-the-sky ideals and whimsical what-ifs for a happy little family and three beautiful little...surprises. But, somewhere after "I do" and before "Irreconcilable differences", things fell apart. And it seems like that's happening more and more often these days. [insert relevant divorce statistic here - Upwards of 50% of all marriages end in Divorce according to the National Center for Health Statistics. There were 2,230,000 in 2006. The marriage rate was 7.5 per 1,000 total population. The Divorce rate was 3.6 per 1,000 populations based on 46 reporting States and D.C. Statistics follow suite up through July of 2007. [*http://www.cdc.gov/nchs/fastats/divorce.htm] The numbers are climbing, and I'm not sure what that says about our society as a whole. But I do know those numbers now include me.

So what do you do when you once you realize life goes on? Because it does. Whether you're ready for it or not, life goes on.

You uncurl yourself from the fetal position on the living room couch, in the shower, under the dining room table, wherever you'd tucked yourself away for a good old-fashioned meltdown. You get dressed. You get the kids dressed. You shoo them off to their respective daycares, offer up a quick prayer to the deity that is the Starbucks Double Half-Caf. Venti Moccachino and head into another day.

The challenge, for me at least, seems to be digging myself out from under the layers of wife, mother and diaper pail-changer.

When I was single it was sweetly naive to think that I hadn't really found myself yet. Hah.
When I was married it was all about finding the balance between man and wife. When I was a mother it was all about finding the balance between man and wife and baby.
When I was a mother times three it was all about squeezing in that 20 minute cat nap under my desk when the boss wasn't looking.

And now...I've come oddly full circle.

As much as most single mothers out there would like to martyr themselves to their children, it's time to stand up and ... well ... grow up. I've become quite the little project-starter over the past year. Here's a quick overview ... a user's guide surviving the dark thoughts and nasty silences that creep in when you least expect them, and perhaps becoming a better person because of it.

Projects I've started since my divorce.
Idle hands are the devil's workspace...or more accurately in my case the playground for self-deprecating and blameful thoughts, mild to moderate panic attacks and acute cases of false phobias leading us back to, you've got it, an evening in the fetal position on the couch.

Letter Writing: Lately I've come back to letter writing - you know - the kinds without typing and computers; using actual stamps, etc. Of course, with any good hobby, this also necessitated feeding my other love - shopping for random and ultimately unnecessary products. I've purchased five new patterns of stationary (some with matching envelopes and some without) several nifty new pens, note cards, envelopes, assorted stamps and stickers, and a handy little lap desk box in which to store it all in. I've written maybe 5 or 6 letters, but it makes me smile to see the box sitting out, making it appear as if I am, truly, a letter writer. Caveat: this was mostly self-serving in that I assumed if I wrote letters to long lost friends I might get some mail back...it rarely happens, although I have seen some lovely, heartfelt emails in response.

Knitting: The goal of which is to sit calmly, and devote myself to the rote and ritual of keeping my hands busy. I’ve managed to curse my way through hundreds of dropped stitches, awkward purls and pulled out projects due to improper storage. This also fed my need to buy "the new" as I quickly endeavored to collect a basket/container, several sizes and shiny metallic colors of knitting needles, and far, far too many spools of yearn. I have a rainbow of colors and textures just waiting patiently to be worked into scarves, socks, baby booties, nifty vests and tacky cardigans. To date I've finished one horrendously atonal scarf, half of a set of mittens, and about 20 little square of fabric. I like to think of these little squares as my training... I don't plan on doing anything specific with them, as yet. It's the process, rather than the end result/project, that fascinates me. Look! I'll make a knot here, wiggle the needles a bit here...and viola! I'm knitting!

Reading: I've found that in the evenings, after the kids are abed and I'm forced to decide between Family Guy reruns, Leftover birthday cake mushed up with my vanilla ice cream, or diving into a new book; more often than not I've been choosing the book lately. I've always been an avid reader, gobbling up pretty much anything I can get my hands on. But lately, as cliche as it sounds, I've been delving into the [gasp!] self-help section of the library. And so my reading list looks something like this: "You Suck" Chris Moore; "Momma Zen: Walking the Crooked path of Motherhood" Karen M. Miller, "What is the What" Dave Eggers, "Eat, Pray, Love" Elizabeth Gilbert. I'm a ping pong ball of good fiction vs. self help and back these days, but it’s a quick transition from real life into my habitual escapism when I crack a new spine. A new book holds such promise, such optimism, that it’s often preferable to the day-to-day drama.

Cooking: Note of importance here - I've NEVER been much of what you might consider "a cook" In point of fact, my family still loves to tell the story of the time I tried to make a batch of cookies for the 6th grade bake sale and ended up burning the cookies, a hole in the carpet in our kitchen (who puts carpet in kitchens anyway?) and my arm, in the pattern of pair of sunglasses, all within seconds of each other; at nearly ever massive family gathering we attend. And, also to be noted, my husband did nearly ALL of the dinner prep while we were married. It's only within the last year that I've really donned a toque in the kitchen. I've quickly become a fan of: making meals ahead. If you're going to cook, might as well trash the kitchen one or two days a month and stock the freezer for easy access and prep upon crossing the threshold of the back door (because that's the moment in which my kids expect dinner to be ready). Also...I just ADORE cookbooks. All those pretty pictures, happy smiling diners...they make it look so easy. And so I've developed quite a collection of the things. I've almost an entire shelf full of them. Oh, don't get me wrong, we still swing through the McDonald's drive thru for the kids’ happy meals and my double shot of sweet tea at least once every couple weeks. And I'm fairly certain my oldest has memorized the number to China Dragon. And the overspill of HotBox pizza cups has taken up residence in the Tupperware drawer. [yeah...I have an entire drawer devoted to the stuff...what of it?]. So please don't nominate me for the Betty Crocker hall of fame just yet. But cooking has become, through sheer dedication and dint of will, a fun little experiment, and an easy way to get the kids involved. Baking is a math lesson just waiting to happen for my 2 and 4 year old, and the 9 month old will happily sit on the floor banging pots and pans…etc.

Yoga: I've been an on-again-off-again yoga practitioner since college. Okay, mostly off-again. But on the nights I couldn't sleep or the mornings that I had to be up with the baby and it just plain didn't make sense to go back to bed an hour before my alarm would go off anyway... it was comforting to fall back into my practice. Plus - Yoga unlike Tae-Bo is a quiet practice and unlike running (my exercise of choice) does not necessitate my leaving the house to complete. I've found a pleasant quiet moment or three while contorted into some asinine position attempting to breathe. The quiet moments here don't panic me. They don't send me flying to my happy place to avoid the onslaught of "how the hell am I going to survive another day?". I'm forced to concentrate inward for strength and balance - two things my life can definitely benefit from.

Tai Chi: Pretty much echoes the above...plus it comes with comfy little black loafers that I can sport around the house on the weekends. They're my 'Chi Shoes" as Isabelle is fond of calling them. And make great bedroom slippers in a pinch. I know, I know, Master Chen would be so ashamed.

Running: You know, you'd think that with the anger that usually accompanies a split, a breakup, a divorce, that I'd be hearkening back to some of my more contact-sport-related past. But oddly enough it's the solo endeavors that have become appealing again. Running I've always done. My dad's been a runner since I can remember and my sister or I would often accompany him on neighborhood jogs while he trained for any of the dozens of Mini Marathons he's completed. Both my sister and I took up running, but while she did so competitively, I sort of did so for the pack mentality. Running is one of those sports that simultaneously allows you to exercise en masse and complete the mental to do/grocery list...which brings us to my next point.

Making Lists: I'll be the first to admit. I might have a problem. In the beginning stages of my separation I made lists like a maniac. I filled notebooks full of lists for everything from trips to the grocery to the order in which I should clean the bathroom. See? A problem I know. But I shaved three minutes off of my cleaning regime due to one list, and my home inventory has never been so complete. Lists, much like all of the items on my project list, give me the illusion of completion, of permanence. And, it must be said, that one of my prized possessions is actually an old grocery list my grandmother made pre-trip on the back of an old envelope. So I blame genetics completely and totally for my manic and obsessive behavior here.

Perhaps you’ve noticed the common thread in all of these new and renewed hobbies?
At a time in my life where I feel like the bottom is dropping out I’ve reassigned my energies (what little there is left after the daily rituals of raising two toddlers and an infant) to those things which I feel that I have concrete control over. I need a sense of completion, of fulfillment in anything I choose to do. Compulsion tends to breed compulsion in my life, and while you’re not likely to find beds made or floors spotless in my house, I’d like to think that I’m reinforcing positive behaviors (you know, beyond that whole fetal position melt down thing) in my kids and in myself…

Because I must be a Masochist at Heart...

Over the Easter weekend I had cause to go rooting around in my parents basement for some old, grade school portraits. What I found was a nearly complete composite of myself from first through twelfth grade. It's horrific in it's span and breadth... and as painful as it will now be to display these, it's cathartic in a way. Check it out...my ugly duckling phase has been completely catalogued for your viewing pleasure:

Admittedly, we're missing a year or two here, but for the most part it's a complete showing

Holidays Abound...

I’m not goinng to try and put this in my own words...because it would fall somewhere along the lines of all the worlds religions stemming from one basic...blah...blah...blah... Here - just read this article yourself:

http://www.time.com/time/world/article/0,8599,1723811,00.html)

And, for the patently lazy...here it is in raw text... Happy Easter everyone!!!

On Friday more than a billion Christians around the world will mark the gravest observance on their Calendar, Good Friday, the day Jesus died on the cross. (To be followed in two days by Easter Sunday, to mark his Resurrection).
But unlike some holy days — say, Christmas, which some non-Christians in the U.S. observe informally by going to a movie and ordering Chinese food — on this particular Friday, March 21, it seems almost no believer of any sort will be left without his or her own holiday. In what is statistically, at least, a once-in-a-millennium combination, the following will all occur on the 21st:

Good Friday

Purim, a Jewish festival celebrating the biblical book of Esther
Narouz, the Persian New Year, which is observed with Islamic elaboration in Iran and all the "stan" countries, as well as by Zoroastrians and Baha’is.

Eid Milad an Nabi, the Birth of the Prophet, which is celebrated by some but not all Sunni Muslims and, though officially beginning on Thursday, is often marked on Friday.

Small Holi, Hindu, an Indian festival of bonfires, to be followed on Saturday by Holi, a kind of Mardi Gras.

Magha Puja, a celebration of the Buddha’s first group of followers, marked primarily in Thailand.

"Half the world’s population is going to be celebrating something," says Raymond Clothey, Professor Emeritus of Religious studies at the University of Pittsburgh. "My goodness," says Delton Krueger, owner of www.interfaithcalendar.org, who follows "14 major religions and six others." He counts 20 holidays altogether (including some religious double-dips, like Maundy Thursday and Good Friday) between the 20th (which is also quite crowded) and the 21st. He marvels: "There is no other time in 2008 when there is this kind of concentration."
And in fact for quite a bit longer than that. Ed Reingold and Nachum Dershowitz, co-authors of the books Calendrical Calculations and Calendrical Tabulations, determined how often in the period between 1600 and 2400 A.D. Good Friday, Purim, Narouz and the Eid would occur in the same week. The answer is nine times in 800 years. Then they tackled the odds that they would converge on a two-day period. And the total is ... only once: tomorrow. And that’s not even counting Magha Puja and Small Holi.
Unless you are mathematically inclined, however, you may not see the logic in all this. If it’s the 21st of March, you may ask, shouldn’t all the religions of the world celebrate the same holiday on that date each year?
No. There are a sprinkling of major holidays (Western Christmas is one) that fall each year on the same day of the Gregorian calendar, a fairly standard non-religious system and the one Americans are most familiar with.
But almost none of tomorrow’s holidays actually follows that calendar. All Muslim holy days, for instance, are calculated on a lunar system. Keyed to the phases of the moon, Islam’s 12 months are each 29 and a half days long, for a total of 354 days a year, or 11 days fewer than on ours. That means the holidays rotate backward around the Gregorian calendar, occurring 11 days earlier each year. That is why you can have an "easy Ramadan" in the spring, when going without water all day is relatively easy, or a hard one in the summer. And why the Prophet’s birthday will be on March 9 next year.
Then there is the Jewish calendar, which determines the placement of Purim. It is "lunisolar," which means that holidays wander with the moon until they reach the end of what might be thought of as a month-long tether, which has the effect of maintaining them in the same season every year.
Good Friday, meanwhile, like many of the other most important Christian holidays, is a set number of days before Easter. The only problem is that the date of Easter is probably the most complicated celebratory calculation this side of Hinduism, which has a number of competing religious calendars. The standard rule is "the Sunday after the first full moon on or after the day of the vernal equinox." But in fact, the actual divination of the date is so involved that it has its own offical name: "computus." And so challenging that Carl Friedrich Gauss, one of history’s greatest mathematicians, devoted the time to create an algorithm for it. It goes on for many lines. You can look it up. And, of course, it doesn’t work for Eastern Orthodox Easter (about one month later than the Western Christian one this year, on April 27).
So, should we celebrate all these celebrations? Yes, says William Paden, the author of Religious Worlds: The Comparative Study of Religion and a professor at the University of Vermont — at least to the extent that we revere the drive to carve out sacred time in the middle of the day-by-day profane. "Each of these religions is creating its own world, with its own time and space and memory system," he says. They recognize what’s of real value, and they encode it, and it forms an architecture of memory." Yes, says Bruce Lawrence, the head of Islamic Studies at Duke University, who was invited to speak at a nearby synagogue when the beginnings of Rosh Hashanah and Ramadan happened to coincide last year.
But be cautious, since human nature is as fickle as coincidence. "When one group is grieving and one is jubilant there are some unfortunate tensions," says Anand Kumar, with the Centre for the Study of Social Systems at Jawaharlal Nehru University in New Delhi, a city with considerable experience with multiple faiths. Such conjunctions have led to conflicts and even riots, not just when moods clash, but because "the public sphere is being contested." Kumar is convinced, however, that "a new generation is emerging that is more pluralistic and they don’t feel threatened just because someone is from another religion."
And that will be what this writer meditates on this Friday.

Eat, Pray, Love

Eat, Pray, Love
Current mood: contemplative
Category: Writing and Poetry
monday, march 17, 2008


"Life is a process of becoming, a combination of states we have to go through. Where people fail is that they wish to elect a state and remain in it."
- Anais Nin

Started a new book last week - "Eat, Pray, Love" by Elizabeth Gilbert. Didn’t buy it on a whim, had it recommended twice over by recent divorcees (not a random descriptor - the bedrock of the book is that the author has gone through a recent divorce) The premise consists of the author’s trip through three iconic countries searching to rediscover three major pieces of herself. In Italy she "researches" pleasure - primarily through food (god-love-her...the descriptions induced me to bake two pans of bread pudding, one batch of chocolate chip cookies and two variations on a classic pannini...and that’s just this past weekend. I haven’t attempted pasta since starting the book; however, I just don’t think I could do it justice right now.). In India the author searches for religion, or, rather a better term here might be devotion. Regardless of the term she’s searching for something greater than herself. And in Indonesia she’s looking for, seemingly, a balance between the two.

I blog on this book for a couple of reasons.

Firstly - it’s hysterical...and poignant...and really excellent writing; which is something that I’m always on the lookout for. So if for no other reason than you might be looking for a good read, pick up this book. It’ll make you smile and cry. At the same time.

Secondly - it’s meaningful for my current situation. I find myself nodding empathatically at breakdown-in-the-public- bathroom-on-the-cold-tile-floor scenes. And I find myself scribbling furiously in the margins: underlining agreements, jotting down questions, dogearing pages that contain quotes that I want to go back and cross-reference. Gilbert does a fantastic job of not just telling a story, but teaching a lesson. She incorporates a life-time of random facts and relevant quotations into her skein.

Thirdly - it’s taking me longer to finish this book than any book in the past few years. And that, unlike the fact that I’m making notations in the margins, IS noteworthy. Usually I gobble a book up like most people do desserts... inhale it... devour it... The last three books I’ve read I’ve finished of a weekend, easily. But this book, I’m taking small sips of. It’s split neatly into three ’books’ and each ’book’ is split into smaller chapters - each almost a story in and of itself. And I find myself re-reading bits of it, and taking my time with it, allowing it to sink in. Which makes it noteworthy in my little world.


Currently listening:
Girls and Boys
By Ingrid Michaelson

Wrath, Lust and Littering?

Wrath, Lust and Littering?
Current mood: pensive
Category: Religion and Philosophy
friday, march 14, 2008


The New and Improved Seven Deadly Sins...



The Catholic Church on Sunday updated the 1,500-year-old list of seven deadly sins, publishing the new list in the Vatican newspaper, L’Osservatore Romano.

Apparantly the original Seven (lust, wrath, gluttony, sloth, greed, pride, and envy) just couldn’t cut it our modern, global-village style society.

Polluting, genetic engineering, obscene riches, drug use, abortion, pedophilia and causing social injustice join the original seven deadly sins defined by Pope Gregory the Great in the sixth century (made famous by Dante’s fourteenth century "Divine Comedy")

The list came as the Pope deplored the "decreasing sense of sin" in today’s "securalised world".

God is now not only offended by stealing, blaspheming or coveting your neighbour’s wife but also by ruining the environment, conducting immoral scientific experiments and cloning! The rationale behind the new list of sins is that in an increasingly global world, the individulaistic dimension of the original seven deadly sins is no longer as relevant, while these new seven have a "social resonance" and show worshippers that their vices affect other people.

Did we really need a tweaked list of sins to tell us that?


Currently listening:
For Emma, Forever Ago
By Bon Iver

Seriously?

does everyone cheat?

Learning from your Children

I came into motherhood rather...unexpectedly shall we say...And I quickly came to the realization that my children might very well be my greatest teachers in life.But I always thought of it in more of an abstract way - unconditional love through kissing boo-boos and applying bandaids.

Not so Much.

My two-year-old son taught me to count to ten in German this past weekend.
He just busted out with it after bedtime prayers and at first I didn't recognize what he was saying.

eins...zwei...drei... "Buddy, what are you saying?" ...vier...fenf...sechs... "Wait, are you counting?" ...sieben...acht...neun...zehn!

Crap. my toddler is smarter than I am. I made him do it at least half a dozen times before he looked at me plaintively and told me he was "Tiiiiiired..."

My three-year old daughter can rattle off one through 20 in Spanish and French...and those I can keep up with easily enough, but German just floored me.

Anyone have any good recommendations for audio programs on learning basic German...I've gotta keep up.

p.s. - a kid who still lisps a bit saying "sieben...acht...neun" may just be the cutest thing you will EVER hear...EVER...